Today, July 16, Ned is announcing, along with his colleague, leftist agitator, and partner in crime Professor Chauncey L. Q. Beauregard of Coastal Carolina University, the first annual nominations for "Halfbright Fellowships." The lucky recipients, mainly public "servants", members of the Mainstream Media, and the like, will be encouraged to spend the next year bringing their behavioral or intellectual IQs at least to room temperature, and acquiring enough basic knowledge so that they can be entrusted with topics at least as complex as whether it is morally right to allow Vietnam Veterans to live under bridges and collect aluminum cans to make ends meet while billionaire plutocrats buy elections, bribe politicians, and hoard wealth like the Dragon of the Niebelung.
While Ned encourages his readers to, after mature reflection, submit nominations, he is emboldened to make a few preliminary nominations now. The final awards will occur in about a month's time.
INITIAL NOMINEES FOR THE FIRST HALFBRIGHT FELLOWSHIPS
GEORGE W BUSH--who took a potential trillion dollar federal surplus and turned it into a fiscal crisis, who inherited a world at peace and involved the country into a war of aggression in Iraq, costing $1 trillion, and who inaugurated tax cuts for the obscenely wealthy, which contributed largely to today's budget crises.
ALAN GREENSPAN--who, as almost sanctified chair of the Federal Reserve, presided over a colossal housing bubble while denying such a thing was possible. The collapse of said bubble in 2007 led to trillions in stock market losses, the $700 billion "financial bailout", ten percept unemployment, and millions of homeowners chucked out into the streets.
(Honorary) JAMES WATT--Ronald Reagan's first Secretary of the Interior, who denied that it was the government's responsibility to enforce environmental laws since Jesus was coming back soon and he would fix everything.
BILL CLINTON--President who tossed away his reputation and the legacy of one of the most successful modern presidencies to get a b***j** from an overweight White House intern.
MARIO RUBIO--Republican extremist candidate for Senate from Florida. Qualified due to his statement that he supports "health care" companies being forced to cover persons with pre-existing conditions, but does not favor requiring everyone to have "health insurance", conditions which even sixth graders understand would immediately render the entire system of private "health care" unworkable.
More nominees to follow.
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