The First Republican Debate!

In honor of the historic first "debate" between Republican self-described "Presidential candidates", Ned has decided to reprint his famous and much-loved Saga Of The Dwarf Lords.

Once upon a time there was a land of the dwarfs. These were mainly chuckle-headed fellows who scorned learning and thought, but loved riches and power above all else. They kept their dwarf women under a Spell, given to them by White Dwarf Lords of Old. One day, the dwarfs were drinking Lite Ale and talking NASCAR in Council, when a messenger arrived, with a fearful look upon his visage. 'Lo!' He cried. 'Word has come of a Great Lord in a land over the mountain, A Magic Negro, who lives in a Great White House on the banks of a mighty river. He has great riches and power, and wields his great power through his Magic Wand! We fear that if our dwarf princesses hear of this our spell will be broken and they will all flee to The Magic Negro's Magic Wand! What shall we do?'
At this news the Dwarfs were sore afraid. But they loved riches above all else, and power over their princesses. So they decided that they must go to the land of the Magic Negro, seize his Magic Wand and take his riches for themselves. This made them very happy until they thought how best to accomplish this quest, and again, they were sore afraid, for they were cowards at heart. But six of their number, quaking with fear, drank more Lite Ale to bolster their courage, and set out for the Land of the Magic Negro. They were Little Newt, Timmy Pee, Huckie of the Billy Hills, Thune who called himself The Great (tho he was very small in mind), Romni the Great Hunter (tho he had in fact only hunted little since he was a lad in the Land of the Great Cult from whence he came), and Rudy Fuggedaboudit the Bald, from a great teeming city.
****
As they walked through the Great Wood they came upon another dwarf and hailed him, thus: 'Lo! We are on a great quest! To wrest a Great Wand from the Evil Magic Negro who lives in the White House over the mountain Lest he free our princesses from our spell!'
'Well, fellers', said the new dwarf, who was none other than Haley of the Red Neck, 'Ah know all about these Magic nigras, but we didn't call them that where ah hail from!' And he sniggered. 'Ah think ah can handle him!'
And so the Seven Dwarfs set off for the Kingdom of the Magic Negro, to seize his Great Wand and his treasure for themselves. As the dwarf lords trudged though a dark wood on their way to the land of the Magic Negro, they happened to pass a dank hut, overgrown with the rankest weeds. As they passed, wet and shuddering, a giant troll emerged from the hut. 'STOP!' He cried. "I am the keeper of the Holy Flame. Only the purest in heart can pass! Are you pure? Do you adhere to the one True Faith? Speak!' He commanded. 'Yea!' The dwarfs cried. Romni squeaked, 'I am the true believer! I even accept Brigham Young as my savior in addition to Jesus!' Cried Huck of the Billy Hills. 'Jesus is my own personal savior!' 'Wait' cried Thune the Great, 'I speak to Jesus ever day!'Little Timmy cried, 'I base all my daily actions on the dictates of my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ!' To this, The Newt and all the others cried 'Amen Lord, Amen!'
But the Giant Troll, Keeper of the Holy Flame cried 'STOP!' I don't give a rats ass about any Jesus. Are you FISCALLY SOUND? Do you believe in the one True Way? Do you adhere to 'less government', 'fewer regulations','more freedom, damn the poor, and no taxes on your betters in the Sneering Plutocracy? Speak!'
'Yea!!' All the dwarfs cried, with apparent relief. But the Newt, also known as Newt the Coiffed, cried 'What about family values? I have had more wives than anyone. I am the Prince of Family Values!' And all the other dwarfs groaned.
'Pass!' Cried the Troll. 'You are all worthy to challenge the Magic Negro and seize his Magic Wand!'
And, with a giant sigh of relief, they opened another Lite Ale and trudged along the path that led to the Great White House.
Tired in body and spirit, the dwarf lords plodded all day on the road through the mountains on their way to the City of The Magic Negro. As evening fell, they chanced to spy an inn, with a welcoming light in the window, and smoke coming up the chimney. They entered and found rooms for the night. After feasting on ground body part and more Lite Ale, they fell into conversation with their host, the innkeeper and his beautiful daughter.
'We have indeed heard tales of the Evil Negro and his Great Wand', said their host, 'but we have ways to protect our daughters from his spell. The Lady of the Moose and her Ice Queen live in a glen at the foot of a mighty mountain not three leagues from here, and they can make an amulet that counters the Magic Negro's power.' And at this, the dwarfs looked at the innkeeper's daughter approvingly, although it must be said that the look given her by Rudy Fuggedaboutit and Haley of the Red Neck was more akin to a leer.
'You should ascend to the Moose Queen's home at break of day', the innkeeper advised them. And so they went to bed, much encouraged, and talked of NASCAR and prayed to Jesus (or so it seemed) before retiring. At break of day, they took a quick repast and set off. After an hour or so, they saw a great stone castle, with moose antlers guarding the great door. 'This must be the place', said Romni with wonder. In the yard of the castle was a Lady, wondrous fair, who was butchering a small moose. Although her hands dripped with carrion, she smiled lustily and greeted them thus: 'You are the Dwarf Lords on a quest. Your fame you see has preceded you. How may I serve you?' And with this, she cut off a moose pizzle and threw it into a growing ple. They shuddered, but Little Timmy cried, 'We seek a charm that will protect us against the Magic Negro!'
'You have come to the right place,' she smiled. And as she did, the Lady Ice Queen approached, apparently praying to Jesus fervently.
The dwarfs marveled at the beauty of the Moose Lady and the Ice Queen, but Timmy Pee was troubled. 'I have lusted after them in my heart,' he cried to Rudy Fuggedaboutit ,'and my soul stands sore charged!' 'Fuggedaboutit!' cried Rudy of the Teeming City. 'Take one of my viagras and we'll stop off in the village on our way out.' Timmy Pee was not solaced, however.
All the while, Newt the Coiffed was admiring the Moose Lady's domain. It consisted of a large castle and a vast enclosure inside which many myriad of moose roamed, of all sizes. Scattered throughout were a number of what appeared to Newt to be watchtowers, The entire enclosure, vast as it was, was surrounded by a high fence. 'Is this a moose sanctuary?' He asked respectfully. 'In a sense', the Moose Lady replied, smiling. 'We keep them inside, and from time to time a sportsman comes, climbs a tower and shoots one. We cut off the head for mounting and give the meat to the dogs, the villagers or the Wild Men of the Forest. The sportsmen go home with a trophy.' 'So you are a small businesswoman! An entrepreneur!' cried Newt the Coiffed. 'Friends! Here is truly one of us! Is there a tax cut we can give you? What about an agricultural subsidy? A waiver of the Death Tax?' And here the dwarfs waxed glad indeed. 'No,' the Lady replied,' I pay no taxes as it is. In fact, I have an easement on the property because of some favors I did a local "businessman" recently, and the local burghers pay me!' And here the eyes of the dwarfs were glad, indeed.
'But, Moose Lady, and Ice Queen '(for by this time the Ice Queen had apparently completed her prayer), said Huck of the Billy Hills, 'we need a charm to ward off the powers of the Magic Negro, and the innkeeper said you could help us. If you can, we will name you Our Ladies of the Quest!' 'Here', said The Ice Queen, 'Here are moose pizzles for you all. Keep them around your neck and you will be immune to the power of the Dark Lord of the Great River.' The gratefulness of the dwarfs was tempered just a bit by the many flies that buzzed about each moose pizzle as they affixed them to a chain about their necks. But off they trudged, singing, accompanied by their large clouds of flies.
As they left the domain of the Moose Lady and The Ice Queen, Newt observed to Rudy, 'I have indeed lusted in my heart too for the body of the Moose Queen.' 'Yeh' said Rudy, 'Youse can join me and Timmy in the village. I'm gonna make the innkeeper's daughter an offer she can't refuse!'

****

The next morning, the dwarf lords left the village in some disarray. The innkeeper bade them a fond farewell, his pockets bulging with lucre. His daughter, much disheveled, according to the chronicles, was enrolled in a boarding school far away soon after. The village was on the edge of the Land of Men, so it was not long before the dwarfs reached the border. There, they enquired of the guards how best to reach the city of the Magic Negro, but the guards informed them tersely that security concerns forbad them giving out that information, and eyed them suspiciously. 'What business could seven dwarfs wearing moose pizzles have with our Leader? Speak quickly!' one cried. 'We wish to but study his governance, as in our country we have many problems that his counsel might address', said Romni, the moat presentable of the rather bedraggled bunch. 'We mean no disrespect.'
'Well, we are not allowed to permit you to enter the Magic Negro's City unescorted, so you must find a guide.' Romni looked about him, waving away the growing cloud of flies that were drawn to the now stinking moose pizzle amulet around his neck. He noticed a shack nearby that had 'TOURIST INFO MATION' printed by hand on the door. He went in, and motioned to his friends to follow him. Inside, in a low, mean room, he found several vile looking men crouched about a cooking fire. One looked up, and Haley of the Red Neck said with bravado, 'Ah'll handle these fellers. Y'all know how to git to the city of the Magic--ah--Nigra?' The man who looked up shouted to another, 'Hey Cracker you wanna he'p there dwarfs?' The man called Cracker looked up from the pot in which he was apparently trying to stew a large rat, and said, leering horribly at the sleek dwarf, 'Y'all ain't from around here, are ya?' This Cracker was a ragged small man with matted hair, and his grin exposed several blackened teeth. Haley of the Red Neck began to wonder whether he had acted prudently as he looked about him with growing alarm.

******
Just as Cracker Bodine (for such was his name) was unhitching his trousers, which were richly stained with material of a deep brown color, and began to circle around Haley, prompting his associates to began to smile, anticipating some unexpected sport, a great knocking was heard at the door. 'Open up! City tax inspector!' and in strode a very fat man chewing on a very wet cigar, wearing a badge and a name tag that said simply "BUTTS." Holding an official-looking form containing a small picture, Butts scanned the room briefly then asked 'Are yew Cracker Sparky Bovine?' 'Bodine,' said Cracker, sullenly. 'What the hell do yew want?' 'I have here a warrant to seize this proppity' and he looked about himself with no great reverence for the property he was about to seize,'for nonpayment of city taxes.' Cracker turned to his associate angrily and said 'Goddamit Booger, I gave you the money to pay them taxes last week! 'Wey-yull,' the individual so-named replied sheepishly, 'I was a-meanin' to, but my girl friend Curly Fay had to go over to Eufala and visit a doctor right sudden.' 'Shit, Booger that girl is only eleven!' Naw! Well, twelve next month!'
Butts waved them to be silent with evident disgust, and began,'This proppity must be sealed and unoccupied until payment of a sum to be determined by a magistrate...'. He was about to go on until his attention was drawn to the dwarf lords and their fly-encrusted moose pizzles.'Who in blazes are yew and what the hell are yew wearing?' Before the dwarfs could answer Butts noticed the boiling rat and peremptorily declared 'no cooking may be done in the presence of insect infestations. Yew are also in violation of city health laws. Now you and yer friends git outside and wait by my van!' he ordered the dwarfs, who were only too happy to comply, and out they scurried.
When Butts had secured the premises, he turned his attention to the dwarf lords, thusly. 'I have never seen such a crew in my en-tire pro-fessional career. What the hell are yew fellows up to?' And the dwarfs briefly tried to explain their quest, omitting any mention of seizing the Magic Negro's treasure and Great Wand.
'Why hell, them border guards were just havin' a little fun with yew. Did you offer them any money in the way of an inducement to allow you in? If not, they wuz expectin' it, a sort-of 'irregular gratuity,' if you know what I mean. And if you didn't, why you can give it to me.' and the dwarf lords collected their remaining money and gave Deputy Butts a large part of it. 'Now, take them damn pizzles off yer neck. If you have to keep them, stuff 'em in your pockets, Otherwise yew are guilty of creating a public nuisance under section 332 of the city code', he droned.
They imediately complied, with evident relief, and enquired about securing a guide to the City of the Magic Negro. 'Hell, you don't need no guide. They was just havin' a bit of fun. Just head on down this highway and follow the signs. If you have any trouble, just give 'em this note and say it is from Deputy Wurzel Buddy Butts.'
And so, relishing their narrow escape the dwarf lords began the final phase of their Quest, to meet and vanquish The Magic Negro.
With their available funds, and using Little Newt's credit card, the dwarfs found it easy to book a flight to the City of the Magic Negro. The only snag was that they had to check their moose pizzles, wrapped in plastic bags. Upon arrival, and having secured accommodation, the dwarfs set about to find their way to the Great White House to confront the Magic Negro. Walking along a broad thoroughfare they fell into conversation with a denizen of the city, dressed in sweatshirt and hood, and wearing dark glasses such that they could see little of his countenance. 'One thing we like about your country' Newt cried, 'is the wide availability of firearms. We only wish every able-bodied person were required to own and carry a firearm. We believe the cities would be much safer.' Haley of the Red Neck, taking charge again, said 'Could y'all tell us how to git to the house of this here Magic Nigra?' Now their new acquaintance, due probably to listening to rap music at 110 decibels for a decade or more, coupled with the muffling effects of his hoodie, was a bit hard of hearing. He therefore unfortunately misunderstood the question, and put the worst possible interpretation on it. 'Who you callin' a n-----?' the man asked indignantly. 'Hell, I just met you ass-----. 'Stick 'em up!' He pulled out a large pistol, and proceeded to strip the dwarfs of their valuables, but declined to take their moose pizzles, which they had brought along for safety. 'And if you sorry-ass dwarfs want my advice, you don't ask nobody else questions like that!' With that, he gave Haley an admonitory tap on the head with his pistol, to serve as a memory-enhancer, which drew not an inconsiderable amount of blood, and vanished down a dark alley.
After staunching their friend's wound, they looked about them seeking succor, but were ignored by passers-by. However, it is an ill wind indeed that blows nobody any good, and they noticed they were adjacent to a large building inscribed 'GOP HEADQUARTERS.' 'Surely,' cried Timmy Pee, 'here we will find some answers to our quest!' The other dwarfs agreed, and, without further delay, they went inside.
******
The dwarfs were overjoyed to be in a place of safety at last. The first person they noticed was a young blonde woman sitting behind a polished desk with nothing on top (of the desk, not the young woman) but a computer and a phone. Her nametag read “Nevaeh Lord”. She was dressed in a very short skirt with a very low-cut top revealing very large breasts, above which dangled a large gold bejeweled cross hanging from a heavy golden chain. She also wore knee-high boots, and had on much makeup. Haley had said while coming in that they should probably not enquire further for The Magic Negro in view of the response he had just experienced, and that they should find out what these people called their leader. Therefore Thune the Great asked, ‘What do you call the leader who lives in The Great White House, for we are strangers just arrived.’
‘Communist. Socialist. Baby-killer. Muslim. America-hater. Marxist. That’s what we call him.’
‘But,’ pursued Huckle of the Billy Hills, ‘Does he not have a name?’
You’re kidding me, right? It’s Osama or Obama. What-ever.’
‘Well,’ Timmy Pee asked, ‘Does he not have great power and riches, and a Great Wand by which he controls his enemies?’
Nevaeh looked alarmed and whispered, “Don’t say anything about that wand! You’ll get us all into trouble! And, no I don’t think he’s really rich. And as for power, he can’t even control his own party, and our pinhead House members have just rolled him on his debt ceiling, so I don’t think he’s that powerful.’
‘Well,’ Little Newt asked, ‘Can you tell us what you believe in, your GOP, that will help us defeat this Obama Whatever?’
‘The sanctity of life and the love of Our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ!’
‘The sanctity of all life? What a noble cause!’ Said Huckle admiringly.
‘No, silly! Only unborn life. The Lord Jesus Christ says that all born of woman deserve death and hell fire and must be saved!’
‘Oh, dear,’ Thought Timmy Pee. And he shifted uneasily on his feet, glancing at his friends. Only Little Newt looked pleased with this response, and smiled smugly.
‘Well,’ pursued Romni gamely, ‘You do believe in equal opportunity I guess. For example, how did you get your job here?’
‘Oh, it was something my daddy heard about and he told me to apply. My daddy is very well-to-do. He’s a CEO of a big company and a big donor to the GOP, and he knows my boyfriend. My boyfriend’s a senator from Nevada.’
‘My!’ said Romni, ‘I had no idea your leaders were so young. Why, you can’t be much over twenty-one can you?’
‘No’, she smiled, “I’m twenty-one, and my boyfriend is 55. His ex-wife is real old.’ At this the dwarfs looked more uneasy still, except for Rudy Fuggedaboutit, whose eyes lighted up. ‘Well, where do your parents live? Here?’
‘No. We have lots of houses. Right now my mom is in Vail with her ski instructor Mr Buff, and Dad’s in London at the flat with his personal assistant Miss Peters. They travel a lot.’
‘Way-yull,’ Haley asked, What else do yew believe in?’
‘Oh, family values!’ And Nevaeh's eyes lighted up even more, while she fingered her large golden cross. Rudy watched her rather as a cat might watch a small injured bird. ‘You must have gone to a good school to get a job like this,‘ He offered.
‘Well, yeah! I just graduated from Liberty University with a Major in Christian Studies. My boyfriend is very interested in that as well. Most of the people who work here have been born again. Praise The Lord! But here’s Marcus and Eddie the Third! They have all sorts of good stuff to tell you!’
*****
The dwarfs, all but Rudy Fuggedaboutit, whose attention was fixed on Neveah’s cross, or at least on that region, looked up as the two new staffers came in. They were introduced as William Wormley III ‘just call me Billy the Third’, and a young African American who took his seat in the desk in the front window. ‘I’m Marcus Flavius Brown, but everybody calls me MF.’ ‘Billy’s dad was ex-military and now is a contractor for the Defense Department, and MF’s dad is the Pastor for a Megachurch in the city,’ chirped Nevaeh.
‘We’ve heard from Nevaeh, but what do you think is the most important message of the GOP?’ Pursued Thune the great. ‘Oh, the sanctity of life’ agreed Billy the Third and MF, ‘and fiscal discipline. We need to live within our means. And gun freedom. Oh, yeah. And diversity. I mean, look at us. A white kid, a white girl and a black guy. Can’t get more diverse than that. But we aren’t politically correct. We think that the most important thing is treating everyone with respect, no matter who they are. Not now, Ignacio!’ This snarl was directed at an elderly Hispanic man who had come in quietly to collect the waste bin, which was overflowing, and the recycling bin, which was empty. ‘Can’t you see we’re in a meeting? Get out!’ ‘Dispensa me,’ said the old man quietly and sidled out without looking up. ‘Sorry about that, ‘said Billy the Third, ‘But you can’t get the staff, you see. It’s a nightmare.’ ‘Yeah’, chimed in MF, ’we tried to hire some people from my dad’s church, but they all wanted more than minimum wage! So we’re stuck with these people.’
‘You said something about living within your means, so I guess that means you need to cut your budget,’ offered Newt the Coiffed, “Where would you cut. Defense?’ ‘God, no!’ Said all three staffers. ‘Too many threats!’ ‘We need to spend lots more on defense, at least that’s what my dad says,’ replied Billy. ‘Well, do you think this health care stuff is important?’ asked Timmy Pee earnestly. ‘Don’t people need health care?’ ‘Sure’ said MF, ‘But we believe it should be offered through employers, not by the government. 'Yeah', agreed Billy the Third. 'My dad says if private employers offer health care, their employees will be too scared to leave, and will do what they were told. They're also a lot easier to control and they are afraid to ask for raises. Anyway, the government just screws everything up.’ ‘But’ asked Romni, who thought of himself as a policy expert, ‘doesn’t the government handle defense?’ ‘Well, yeah, but...’ and the staffers all looked at their shoes suddenly. Just then, a fat security guard came in and asked the dwarfs what they were doing there. As they didn’t have an appointment, they were ushered out rather brusquely after being searched. Much confused, they found themselves again on the street.
The dwarf lords found themselves out on the pavement and out in the cold after they were summarily thrown out of the GOP offices. The irony to all of them was that they all felt that the GOP ideals closely matched their own, or at least they could make these ideals their own if it benefitted them, especially Newt The Coiffed, who felt he could embrace any cockamamie idea as long as it put him in power, which he felt was what society needed anyway. Rudy Fuggedaboutit was enthralled by the GOP women, whom he felt would be swayed by his manly demeanor. The rest of them were saddened with the thought that they had to go back to the Kingdom of the Dwarfs, where they were indeed little fish in a little pond. They walked into a bar, and began to consider their circumstances. After a few Lite Ales and a NASCAR race or two on television, they came to a decision: they would apply for political asylum and disability in the country of the Magic Negro, having discovered that he was neither very rich, nor very powerful, and reports of the power of a Magic Wand were, to put it mildly, grossly exaggerated. But what grounds could they use? They decided to claim that they were gay, and their own land forbad such behavior. So back they went, rather groggily, to the GOP headquarters, and this time made an appointment with a midlevel political flunkie, told him their story, and outlined the benefits they could bring to the GOP. And Ned's young readers will be delighted to discover that the tale ended happily: Newt The Coiffed became director of a group of GOP intellectuals; Thune The Great took a position advising young GOPers on sartorial and tonsorial matters; Rudy F became their spokesperson for urban affairs and terrorism; Little Timmy Pee became the Director of Interns, and Huckle of the Billy Hills became Associate Director for States Rights and Religious Affairs, where he was joined in due course by the Moose Lady and The Ice Queen. The only one who failed to accomplish his objectives was, ironically, Romni the Great Hunter. The most reasonable and qualified of the dwarfs, he was much too reasonable to find any support among the GOP hierarchy, and so had to fall back on his inheritance. Therefore he formed a think tank, appointed himself Executive Director, CEO, President and Chairman of the Board, and set about to try to get as much face time with the more compliant members of the media as he could. He found that free drinks, attractive 'escorts' staffing think tank conferences, and speaking engagements for the more sycophantic toadies of the media got him attention, without any accompanying criticism. So he became an Elder Statesman, and mouthed platitudes to the admiration of all the faithful.
And, once the dwarfs all got their Green Cards and disability, they took up anti-immigration and self-reliance as causes and all lived happily ever after, except for Haley of the Red Neck, who was finally deported because of his accent and discovery of a large trove of mysterious white sheets in his townhouse.

Epilogue

On a cool spring day in River City, formerly known as the City of the Magic Negro, the six remaining dwarfs, and their two lady friends, (now all successful GOP operatives, engaged in a series of misinformaiton campaigns) gathered in a secluded space in a local wood, to consecrate and inter their Moose Pizzles, which were becoming distinct health hazards. The dwarfs were all too glad to be rid of the totems, and so they had asked a local religious celebrity, who was also coincidentally a GOP operative, to preside at the ceremony. This worthy Divine, who went by the professional name of Gethaliel Dayglow Glump, said a prayer over the Moose Pizzles, all wrapped in white muslim, before depositing them with reverence in a shallow grave. Each dwarf then solemnly placed a shovel of earth over the pile, and said 'earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust,' most with a straight face, although the countenance of Rudy Fuggedaboutit was obscured. The grave site was unmarked, and the dwarfs scurried away, each to his own assigned task.
The End